Integrating Your Shadow (Water)

One of psychology’s main insights is that we are all made of parts, and some of those parts are more visible than others.

What is ‘The Shadow’?

Although I think of myself as just a single consciousness, in reality I am a multitude of different parts, personas, defences, and sub-personalities. Some of these I am aware of, others I am not, but they show up pretty much every day. How often do we say things like “part of me wants to go to the gym but part of me wants to rest?”, or “I lost my temper and don’t know what came over me” – we’re pulled in different directions by our different parts all the time.

Over the years, psychology has developed different models that all reflect this underlying truth (that the psyche is multiple) in different ways. For example, Sigmund Freud gave us the classic three-part psyche, comprised of the Id (instincts and drives), the Super-Ego (morals and judgements), and the Ego (the mediating force that attempts to balance the other two)

Carl Jung gave us the idea of Complexes – emotionally charged patterns of thought, feeling and behaviour that cluster around a common theme (an Archetype). When triggered by a situation complexes show up like a semi-autonomous sub-personality that can partially take over.

Transactional Analysis, Internal Family Systems, The Chimp Paradox, they’re all pointing at the same thing – there are parts of ourselves that we are conscious of, and parts that we are not. Parts that we accept and acknowledge, and think of as “me” and parts that can seem to take us over, or possess us, to which we may say “I wasn’t being myself” or “that’s not who I really am”.

There is that which we show the world and then there’s the rest – various other parts, largely unconscious, that we hide from everyone, even ourselves. This part Jung called The Shadow.

Should I be worried?

Although we try to ignore, deny and disown our Shadow, we can never escape it. It is part of us and influences us whether we like it or not. Jung tells us that rather than treat it as “bad” and try to exorcise or kill it, which would be futile, we should instead integrate it – bring it into the light of conscious awareness, understand it, find out what it needs from us and what it protects us from, then allow it to guide us toward the psychological growth we need so that it loses its dangerous power over us. Our shadow is all the unrealised or forbidden parts our true Self – some are dangerous, yes. Other parts are just unwanted by family, colleagues, society at large. And some parts of our Shadow may be our highest, finest qualities, which are desperate to be expressed, but which we have exiled and hidden away for reasons we may have forgotten or outgrown.

The Ship Metaphor

So how can I explore my Shadow? How can I befriend, integrate, and express it? First we must have some idea of how our psyche works, and where The Shadow fits into it.
Here’s a metaphor, one that draws on the different models mentioned above and tries to make sense of them in a workable way… 

Think of a ship, comprising captain, crew, and the prisoners kept in the brig. The ship is you, and your various parts and ego-states. It is your Self and it sails through the waters of life, following some sort of map in some sort of direction, with some sort of goal in mind. It gets blown about by weather conditions and tides, some of which are predictable, some of which are not. Your ship is unique – no other ship has your captain, your crew, or carries your prisoners. But the basic set-up is largely the same – the crew carries out the day-to-day functions relatively autonomously, under the guidance of the captain whose main job is supervision and delegation, and when all goes well the prisoners are kept out of sight and out of mind.  

The Captain is the Inner Leader, capable of wisdom, big picture thinking, emotional regulation and intelligent choices. The Captain can delegate jobs to the various crew members as he/she is aware of their strengths and their limitations. 

The Crew are our minor parts that are often in control, but see the world through a single lens. The Lookout may see everything in terms of threat/danger. The Navigator may see everything in terms of goals rather than experiences. The Diplomat may see everything in terms of pleasing others. Excellent at their jobs, but require The Captain to tell them when to act, and when to stand down. 

The Prisoners in the Brig represent the parts of the psyche that we disavow and lock away from view. They may be violent, aggressive, unhelpful to social integration, or they may be Golden Shadow material that is simply disliked by another crew (family of origin) and so were locked away years ago, but perhaps should be let out now. 

Then there are the Creatures in the Deep  – Archetypes common to us all. Outside of the ship, but part of the water in which we all sail. They can be monstrous (The Tyrant, The Abuser) or divine (Underwater King, Treasure from The Deep) – but always powerful. They form something like blueprints, universal human blueprints for different ways of being that we see repeated across cultures and eras. 

Proper Functioning of The Ship

So how should the ideal ship operate? The ideal Captain would lead with the consent and blessing of the crew – this is important! They would follow his leadership because they understand that he is more equipped for big-picture thinking, navigation, and integrative decision making. In this way he is not a hierarchical leader, but more of a hub around which the crew (who are doing most of the day to day work) move. When the ship functions well, we hope to experience appropriate high self-esteem and high confidence. The captain and crew are integrated into a single working entity (the psyche feels whole, needs are met and relationships thrive). But things can go wrong if the Captain becomes The Tyrant (characterised by high self-esteem, but low confidence that others see him that way). If he leads with too much demand for authority then the ship can’t function well, and the crew may take control, or disrespect him and look for ways to usurp him. Or they may feel disenfranchised and so fight for his attention. If the Captain isn’t strong enough, he can be bullied into submission by members of the crew who convince him that their view is the only view that matters. 

The goal of therapy is integration, or wholeness – although it can be tempting to identify with The Captain, the real goal is to understand that The Self is the whole scene – the captain, the crew, the prisoners, the ship itself, the waters it sails in, and the creatures of the deep – all of this is “me”, and I can draw on and identify with any or all of it at different times. 

How do I find my Shadow?

As Jung said – “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The latter procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not popular.” 

In other words, we have to know who we have in the brig. We have to shine a light down there and give ourselves an honest audit. Who are we keeping locked up down there? We don’t have to let them out necessarily, many of them are in there for a damn good reason! Some may even be political prisoners – aspects of ourselves that were not tolerated by others when we were young (Joy? Curiosity? Creativity? Assertiveness?) but which may now be released and integrated in our search for Wholeness. (Jung called this our Golden Shadow). 

But we need to know who’s in there so when we hear them whispering we know where the voices are coming from, and what their motivations are. 

How do I do this? there are many ways. One is with dreams. Another is by noticing our own Projections… 

Projection is a very common psychological defence. It’s how we often deal with our own shadows. The thing with shadows is that even though we turn around and look the other way, our shadow is still behind us, following us everywhere we go, forever attached to us. We can’t escape it. The same applies to our disowned Shadow Material – it is still part of us and we will still notice its presence even if we deny it. But how can we deny it if we can still feel it? We project it onto someone else! We say… 
“I’m not angry, you are!”. I’m aware that anger is present, but I refuse to believe that it could be coming from me, as I’m ‘not an angry person’ and so it must be your anger I’m feeling! You’re to blame and I’m just an innocent victim here! 

Or I might say “I’m a very open minded person, it’s you who has the hateful views” when confronted with a perspective I don’t like. I am aware that someone is judging someone else, but it can’t possibly be me as I don’t do that sort of thing, so it must be you! It’s your intolerance I’m feeling, not my own! 

If we lock Anger and Judgement (or anything else) away in our brig, pretend they’re not part of our crew, we can’t recognise their voices as our own. We still hear them, but we project them onto someone else and they get the blame. We say “That’s coming from your ship, not mine!” 

And there are of course times where we need anger and judgement. If we disavow these parts of ourselves, we will be unable to use them when required. Like it or not, being a human in the world requires a full spectrum of emotions and capabilities – we need to be able to call out wrongdoing when we see it, protect ourselves from it, allow anger to appropriately energise us to make difficult choices and changes. This aspect of shadow integration has perhaps most famously been depicted in a pivotal scene from Return of the Jedi, where Luke Skywalker finally confronts Darth Vader… 

The Shadow in the Movies

We are in the Throne Room, as Luke Skywalker finds himself confronted with his own shadow in the form of Darth Vader. They fight – Luke the hero, the symbol of hope and goodness, and Vader the villain, the symbol of hatred. At first Luke tries to avoid the conflict. He lowers his weapon and says “I will not fight you”. he defends himself when he has to, but makes no moves to defeat his enemy. He hides from his Shadow, tells him “I can sense good in you” and attempts to redeem him. In essence, Luke is pulling the same trick many of us do – denial. He is denying Vader’s darkness. Denying his own Shadow. He is refusing to confront it, to wrestle with it, instead he clings to a belief that goodness and purity will somehow always win. And then comes the pivotal scene, Luke is hiding, pursued by Vader, his face half in light, half in shadow. But there is nowhere left for him to hide. He is beginning to accept his rage, his fury, and his hatred. The turning point comes as Vader threatens Leah, Luke’s sister, then Luke can hold back no more. He emerges from the shadows, and confronts Vader with ferocity. He allows “the power of the Dark Side” some expression. He is not controlled by it, but he no longer denies it. He attacks not just with his light sabre but also with his own fury. The technical swordplay is gone, replaced with rage and determination. He has owned his power, and he hacks away at his opponent, beating him into submission – but not death! As Vader lies before him, defenceless, Luke once again throws away his weapon, refusing to fully give in to his violent impulses. Instead, Vader now stands and becomes Luke’s ally. It is Vader who, having been submitted by will but then spared by compassion, chooses to integrate with Luke. It is Vader who stands and confronts the ultimate symbol of evil here – The Emperor, and it is Vader who destroys him. Finally, Luke removes Vader’s mask and we see the disfigured human face underneath. This is a pretty perfect metaphor for shadow integration. Vader was never just evil (although he was responsible for evil acts). He was human. He was part of Luke’s ancestry. They were always part of the same family, and the fight between them could never be won, only resolved. The resolution came when Luke allowed himself to experience more of his Shadow – more fury, rage, violence, anger. As a result, Vader allowed himself to feel his Golden Shadow – justice, goodness, protection. They finally become integrated when the body of Vader becomes the spirit of Anakin that gives guidance to Luke the Warrior, no longer the farmer.

Integrating my own Shadow

It’s futile to pretend we don’t have a shadow, or we can run from it. We can fight it of course, but then we risk getting trapped in a useless stalemate, where keeping The Shadow at bay becomes our main focus in life, and still controls all our decisions. Instead, we must recognise it. Name it. Accept it. And give it appropriate expression. There is a place for anger in our lives. Judgement, discrimination, acceptance, courage, pride, humility – all of these belong. The key is to use them, not be used by them. Shadow integration is saying “That which I have pushed into the shadows of my own psyche, I must drag out into the light. I will not let it control me, but nor will I deny it exists. I will find a place for it, where I can see it, as uncomfortable as that may feel, and I will find a good use for it if I can”. 

So ask yourself, “What do I hate most in other people?” – think of someone you can not stand. What is it about them that you find so repellent? Or think of a social issue or news story that gets you unusually angry. What is it that you find so hard to accept? Whatever you come up with, the thing you hate the most in the world or in other people, that is the thing you will find hardest to accept in yourself. That is the material that you will lock up in a box, push deep into the shadow of your own self, and never dare to look at or even admit it might exist. That’s your Shadow. 

It doesn’t mean that if you hate cruelty then you’re a cruel person, but it does mean that you’ll find it very hard to accept any hint of cruelty in yourself. Good! Don’t be cruel! But if you truly believe you could never be cruel, then you’ve got a problem as you’ll be blind to the cruel impulses that lurk within you. Or the anger, or the greed, or the sexual desires – you’ll feel them but won’t be able to own them. You’ll either project them onto someone else or perhaps deny that they represent cruelty at all. How could they? They come from you and you don’t have the capacity for cruelty, so they must be good! 

History is tragically full of people dishing out cruelty, while believing themselves incapable of it. Bullied kids who bully others. Parents who beat their children. Tyrannical leaders. Abusive religious figures and gurus. Military forces in times of war. People who think themselves as heroes will not recognise the dragon that resides within them. In terms of our ship metaphor, this is The Captain becoming The Tyrant, because he cannot accept that which he has locked away, and is blind to its influence over him. Shadow integration is the opposite – accepting the existence of the brig, and the prisoners that we sometimes need. They have qualities and skills that may be disruptive day-to-day, even dangerous, but without them we are vulnerable to manipulation by others. Our goal is to find a way to open the door to the brig, but still retain executive control. To recognise the dark impulses from below, to admit and own them, to recognise them in ourselves as much as we recognise them in others. To reform them, redirect them, refine them and rehabilitate them so they may be valuable members of our crew, no longer our forgotten prisoners.