Really? Are men such different creatures that we need our own type of therapy? Are we so fragile that we can’t handle talking about feelings? Is that where this is going??
What follows will be a gross generalisation, so a caveat first – every client is unique, that’s a therapy fundamental, and that doesn’t change when working with men. Take this as something to think about, nothing more.
But yes, men and women are different. We have different physiology, different hormones, and different expectations put on us by society. Traditionally, therapy has often failed men as it has failed to recognise this difference.
What’s different, and what’s the same?
First, the similarities – everybody suffers. Men and women alike, there’s no escape from this. Men get depressed, men get anxious, men get abused, men experience trauma, injustice, and despair. Being human is a tough gig, and none of us make it out alive. You don’t have to go to war to have something to complain about, there’s plenty enough suffering to go around.
The difference is how we are expected to respond to it.
Women, very generally speaking, favour community over independence (and there are strong evolutionary reasons for this). Women are more likely than men to share problems, to talk with each other, to show care and empathy, and to emotionally support each other. This is why the vast majority of counsellors and therapists are female. (Currently over 80% of BACP counsellors are female, which tells you something about why men often don’t feel it’s a space that’s for them).
Men on the other hand, we’re just told to get on with it. There is an expectation, right or wrong, that men should be self-reliant, should not make a fuss, should not be a burden to others, and should be capable of sorting out our own shit. And you know what – there’s not much wrong with that! As an ideal to aim at, I like it! And this is where therapy for men comes in, because sometimes we can’t sort out our own shit, none of us are gods, and although self-reliance is an important value to embody, we also need community. We need our tribe. We need identity, we need initiation, and these can only be experienced in relationship. There are essential aspects of masculinity and manhood which can not be experienced alone. When a king tries to stand alone, he too often becomes a tyrant, or he falls apart. We all need a fellowship.
What actually happens in therapy for men?
It’s two people sat in a room, having an honest conversation with each other. That’s about it. We can even talk online if that works better for you. But when we meet, I won’t know anything about you, or your life, or your experiences, so you’ll have to explain all that to me. And in doing so, you’ll hopefully find yourself sorting it out in your head, and explaining it to yourself. That’s how it works! You talk, I listen, and then an answer arises – but it comes from within you, not me. Therapy is not about advice (why would you take advice from a stranger?), I don’t pretend to know my clients better than they know themselves, and it’s not about coping strategies that you could easily find on Chat GPT yourself. Therapy is for when none of that is making the difference. It’s for when you need an answer to a problem you have, but you can’t find it. I won’t have the answer either, but we can talk it through together, as men have done throughout the centuries, and when we find it, it will come from you, not from me.
Why is it so hard to ask for help?
Because we’ve been socialised to go it alone. Boys are brought up very differently to girls – go have a look in the children’s clothes section next time you’re in a supermarket and notice what slogans are written on girls and boys clothes. Girls often get “Be kind!” or “Ray of sunshine!”. Boys get “Going on an adventure!” or “Dinosaur hunter!”. What’s the message here? Something like – girlhood is about connection and being liked by others, whereas boyhood is about strength, confronting danger, and independence. These are all great values, but they can become a problem when split along gender lines like this, as it can lead to a pretty unbalanced way of coping with life’s challenges. Adult women need strength and adventure too, and adult men still need connection.
But therapy isn’t just about connection, it’s also a tool. It can be a valuable resource, something to be used. Therapy for men often focusses more on this element – how can the session be of practical use? What change do you want to see and how are we going to achieve it? What are your goals, and your values? What obstacles are getting in your way, and what other tools do you need to clear them? You don’t ask a hammer for help, you just use it for its intended purpose. It’s no different with therapy.
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