Autonomy (Air)
Every day, humans are faced with the same fundamental question – how am I to get my needs met?
It may not always be obvious that we’re doing this, but we are. It may seem as though we’re asking, “how do I meet everybody else’s needs” or “what irresponsible habit am I going to be ruled by today?” but really that’s just one need or another arising within us, and motivating us to act in certain ways that try to get that need met. Everything that we do is based on needs, if we look deep enough, and Autonomy is the degree to which we can get them reliably met.
We have different types of needs (famously conceptualised by Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy) and we’re often not aware of them. If we’re successful at meeting a need at one level, this just gets replaced by a new need from the next level up. The Game of Needs never stops. We keep moving up the hierarchy if we can, enjoying ever growing levels of safety and meaning, or if things go wrong, we drop down through the levels until we find a need that we can reliably meet, and perhaps we get stuck there. This is maybe why the childhood game of Snakes & Ladders resonates with so many of us.
Orientations
The primary strategy we use to get our needs met comes in two basic flavours, or orientations, identified by psychologist David Bakan:
Agency – this is “me as an individual” and prioritises my own personal needs.
An individual with high-agency will focus on my will, my own protection, my own desires and goals, over those of other people. Success is found through power and authority. When it works, it can feel like a ladder straight to the top of the board. But when it goes wrong you can feel at the mercy of snakes.
Communion – this is “me as a member” and prioritizes the needs of the group.
An individual with high-communion will focus on belonging, cooperation, understanding, and negotiation. Success is found through being a valued part of a tribe. Success is found through group effort and pooled resources. This may lead to your individual success needs being sacrificed but when things go wrong you still have the safety of the tribe around you.
Everything we do, every strategy we adopt, is based somewhere on the spectrum between Agency & Communion.
Autonomy is the ability to choose freely how much of which flavour to put into the mix, in any given moment.
Sex differences
Reading the above, you likely had a reaction to one of the orientations as being something like “that’s the good one, and that’s the bad one”, or “that’s for winners, but that’s for losers” and almost certainly you recognised yourself in one more than the other. Most of us seem biased toward either agency or communion, and that likely stems from early socialisation, and sex plays a massive part of that.
Society primes boys for “doing” and girls for “connecting” (through clothing choices, toy options, games, stories) and although this isn’t true for everyone, and individual family cultures also play a massive part, it’s really worth paying attention to. Boys still need connection, girls still need power, and both are capable of acquiring both. We may be biologically and socially more pre-disposed toward one, but that doesn’t mean that the other is off-limits to us. Specifically ask yourself, which flavour seems more like “me”, which is my go-to?
The key to increasing your Autonomy is increasing the range of options at your disposal, and that will require reaching into the opposite orientation.
Strategies & roles
Once we’ve settled into a particular orientation, we tend to stick with it. We learn a strategy, we find what works, and then we repeat it every day, over and over often without ever questioning where it came from or whether it still works, at which point the temporary strategy becomes a permanent role that we play, and we find ourselves stuck. We can end up identifying with the role entirely – we believe it’s who we are, and we may have no idea that there’s a ‘real me’ underneath the role, capable of many more strategies and ways of being.
We’re often praised for doing so – “He’s such a strong leader!” or “She’s such an understanding friend!”, or if we play a role that’s normally reserved for the opposite sex (the powerful female leader, or the nurturing, understanding man) then this is often assumed to be all we can be, because it’s seen as unusual. Society and culture wants to put us into this box or that, but Autonomy is about flexibility along the spectrum.
Some of the big questions we often explore in therapy are “What role are you playing, and how fixed is it really?”
The roles at the poles
At the extreme ends of the Agency/Communion spectrum we find extreme personalities, and only rarely (if ever) are these roles appropriate to the situation we find ourselves in. There’s nothing wrong with playing roles per se, as long as you maintain awareness – do you know what role you’re playing at any given moment, and why? Can you freely move along the spectrum between Agency and Communion at will? And how far along the spectrum do you want to travel?
The Tyrant – this is a role that’s found at the Agency end of the spectrum. The Tyrant does as The Tyrant wills, his word is absolute, and he rules from fear. It’s a lonely gig, as no one really wants to connect with a tyrant, unless they’re after a piece of his power, but loneliness can sometimes feel preferable to powerlessness, and so out he comes. He demands obedience, and fears his power will evaporate completely if he doesn’t get it.
Expressed externally he is the domineering boss, the bully, the controlling spouse. He can also be the political or social loudmouth, demanding agreement with his own opinions, and accepting no dissent.
Experienced inwardly he is the harsh inner-critic, the over-achiever, or the burned out workaholic. The Inner Tyrant treats the whole Self as his personal slave, with a singular purpose and no room for rest or for error.
The Shape-Shifter – this is found at the Communion end of the spectrum. The Shape-Shifter adapts to the situation, changing how he presents to others, and to himself, always looking for the most agreeable, or most acceptable version. The Shape-Shifter seeks connection, craves the positive regard of others, and will always act in whatever way he feels will maximise it. People often love a shape-shifter, because he’s whatever they want him to be, but he can also feel lonely, as no one ever gets to see the Real Self underneath. Connection without authenticity is just handcuffs.
When expressed externally the Shape-Shifter is agreeable, likeable, a team-player, and always has the correct opinions and beliefs. There’s no friction with the Shape-Shifter, no awkward disagreements, and they will always be there for everyone, no matter the cost to themselves.
Experienced internally he is conflict-avoidant, terrified of upsetting or disappointing another, but probably unaware of this as he has shifted his own expectations of himself to something that he is able to produce and maintain reliably. He doesn’t know who he is, and doesn’t know that he doesn’t know.
Both of these roles can be valuable, essential personas to draw on, when the situation demands it. There is a time for power, for authority, for control, and there is a time for relationship-building, negotiation, and empathy. The problem with The Tyrant is that he only knows how to tyrannise, and the Shape-Shifter only knows how to shape-shift.
The roles in relationship
Often, these two roles appear in the same relationship – whether that’s a professional one, a romantic one, or a friendship. One has all the power and demands obedience, the other craves being told who to be and gladly becomes it. This sort of relationship can be very stable, and often productive, as both sides get what they’re seeking. But it is a relationship based on fear – of losing control, and of being seen. There is little opportunity for growth in such a relationship. It may be stable, it may look like it works, but the stability comes at the cost of fluidity – neither party can afford to move out of their role as they are counter-balancing the other.
Tyrants feel they need to retain control, as they believe they are the only one with any sense of discipline. Shape-Shifters feel they need to smooth over every interaction as they believe their authentic voice won’t be heard. They become locked in a stale-mate, both feeling entirely responsible for their half of the spectrum, and the further one of them pulls, the further their partner has to counter-pull in the opposite direction, triggering a counter-counter-pull and so on until both are straining against each other but never connecting.
Sometimes both these roles play out within a single Self – the person who flip-flops between authority in one area, and capitulation in another. The CEO who can’t stand up to his mother, or the peace-loving liberal who burns down businesses, or the devout religious leader with a weakness for pornography – these are examples of people who can not move fluidly across the power spectrum, and instead switch from one pole to the other within themselves, seeking balance but always missing it. It’s the Jekyll and Hyde experience – black or white thinking, all or nothing, either all the way up or all the way down, only these two modes of being available. Sometimes effective, but more often it misses the mark entirely and produces an over-reaction, or no reaction at all.
What does integration look like?
The Captain – this is the role that is not a role, and is the embodiment of Autonomy.
He is the inner leader, responsible for balancing his own impulses, goals, desires, and capabilities. The Captain is capable of action, adaptation and fluidity, but never sacrificing his own integrity.
It’s tempting to think that The Captain would sit at the centre of the spectrum of power – never The Tyrant nor the Shape-Shifter, but this isn’t strictly true. The Captain must be able to move freely along the spectrum, deciding how much of which energy to embody in any given moment. There are times in life when we must draw boundaries and defend them, sometimes firmly, sometimes absolutely. There is a place in a balanced life for absolute dedication to a cause or a project, at least short-term. It is highly unlikely that we will ever achieve greatness in our field without a little bit of Tyrant energy coursing through us, driving our passion, and pushing us through challenging times. What The Captain knows however, that The Tyrant does not, is when this drive is pushing him into challenging times that he can’t escape from. The Captain is able to back down when necessary, The Tyrant is not.
Equally, there is a time for shape-shifting. We can’t go it alone 24/7, we all need something from other people, and sometimes those people will be gate-keepers. They won’t want to give us the answer, or the appointment, or the second chance, or whatever it is we ask of them. They may demand something from us first – a smile, an undeserved compliment, or maybe just some basic respect. The Captain knows when to express the full force of his authentic emotional response, and when to sit on it. Social networking demands that we all get along, that we play nice, and that means we don’t allow our uncomfortable emotions (such as anger, sadness, or disgust) free rein like spoiled children. The Captain uses his emotions to build connections and deepen relationships, not to burn them to the ground. The Captain can change shape, wear different masks as appropriate, but never forgets that he is wearing them, or confuses his Real Self for the mask he’s put on temporarily. The Captain never puts on a mask that doesn’t belong to him.
The work of Captaincy can be incredibly difficult. It requires qualities such as Courage – the willingness to let other people have their emotional reactions, to let the chips fall where they may, and then have Confidence that these stormy social waters can be navigated safely. It requires a willingness to say “no” to that which should be denied, and “yes” to that which should be accepted. This will frequently bring us into disagreement or conflict with others. The Captain knows, however, that he can’t please all the people all of the time, that not everyone will like him, and his main objective is not “control everything, all of the time”, nor is it “make sure everyone likes me”, but something like “navigate these waters with honesty, integrity, and accountability”. The Captain knows that if he does that, he will attract the right crew for his ship.
When the Captain is on the deck, there is no need for a Tyrant, or a Shape-Shifter. The Captain becomes responsible for discipline, authority, connection, and relationship. As a result neither The tyrant nor The Shape-Shifter appear – the Captain assumes responsibility for both agency and connection.
The work of personal growth, both within therapy and without, is paying attention to the roles we play, the hats we put on, and asking ourselves daily whether our Captain is truly on the bridge.
